Wednesday, December 5, 2018

I Don't Blog Anymore

Have you noticed I don't blog? Probably not. I don't have anyone who read this.

I was listening to an episode of Once Upon a Crime today and Esther was interviewing one of, I believe, only two Ted Bundy survivors. Something she said really stuck out to me.

It seems to be common with PTSD survivors that they can't really talk about what they went through for one reason or another. While I'm not the survivor of someone literally trying to kill me, I've lived through some shit in my life and some of it wasn't pleasant.

She said a lot of victims are blamed or shamed or not believed. And, to be honest, the only times I've ever really talked about what was done to me were met with anger and hostility and people telling me I don't know what I'm talking about. I remembered events wrong.

She said she had put everything behind her and had built up her life and was living her dream normal life when one thing triggered her to remember everything that happened to her all over again.

Some of the things that cause me problems are issues that I didn't know where issues until they became issues later in life. And I'm tired of wondering if I'm being gaslighted or if I really am legitimized with the issues I have and the way I react in situations and I'm just... Maybe I just need to get things out in the open. There are things that upset me that I think I know happened that I just... can't seem to let go of. And then there's times when my brain just up and decides on me that it's going to hide all those things from me because it's too much. And I know that's sometimes for the best, but when I want to just peek inside the box, it sometimes won't let me and that's frustrating as hell.

She said she found some relief in journaling about her experiences and working through things that way. I think I might follow in those footsteps. She journaled for herself. She wrote so that no one else had to read what she wrote. She never intended for it to see the light of day. And in the end, she said that led her to open up to a therapist and finally get things as resolved as possible for her.

I think I need that in my life. I'm tired of jumping at shadows and letting fear get in my way. And I'm definitely tired of feeling like I don't even know my own mind. I'm tired of thinking I don't know what happened and why it was wrong and I'm certainly sick of keeping it all to myself. I hurt. I've hurt for YEARS. And I'm tired of carrying it around with me.

I might start a blog where I actually talk about things in the open. I might start a blog where I talk about things I don't want to talk about with anyone else. And then I'll just... see where that takes me. If anyone wants to come along with me for the ride, they're welcome.

We all deserve to be happy and, at the very least, stable.

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