Tuesday, May 8, 2018

What makes a little a little?

I've been working on a short story a publisher requested be made into a book. As I was writing, I didn't know what I was lacking, but simply that something was lacking. As a way to research, I browsed through several websites and found an app called KNKI. I downloaded the app and logged in. Just like my character, I put that I was a submissive looking for a Dom and didn't really know what I wanted but I was seeing what was out there.

I wound up with a Dom that I hit it off with. He was a pretty interesting person on the surface and didn't hit straight to dirty pictures or unsolicited dick pics. (Tip: no woman ever wants a dick pic unless she asks. IJS) He didn't want to meet up in real life. He was fine with camming. He was fine with the fact that I was damaged. He told me he didn't run, that he wouldn't run and that I was safe with him. All I had to do was just do as he requested and we would get along just fine. We established a very brief, basic contract and I accepted to play.

During that time I came out of my shell a little. I accepted to push boundaries slowly. He never pressured me to push past what was scary for me. He said he wanted me to try and that effort was all that he required. That I could agree to. I did some things I didn't think I would ever do, broke a couple boundaries that I never thought I would break and changed some things inside myself. I really liked him a lot.

He abandoned me about two weeks after accepting to play. No word, no notice, no nothing. Just bailed. We were camming and he was trying to get me to do something in public. I'm not okay with that. I tried anyway when I was sure I was in a secluded area. I failed. He asked if I wanted to go home and try again. I said yes, apologized and drove home. I got back on the cam service and messaged him. I waited for almost 4 hours. Nothing.

I messaged the next morning. Nothing. For three days I messaged and sent little videos asking if he was okay. I got zero reply. I was surprised at how distraught I was. I was weak. I was shaking. I was crying at weird random times. It felt like a breakup. Why did someone get under my skin like that? How did they get under my skin in such a short amount of time? Why did I want to call him Daddy? Why did I look forward to his calls and texts? Why was I so lost when I didn't have that anymore?

I started some internet research because I only knew of "daddy" being used in the gay community for a certain type of Dom. I wasn't aware it applied to other sections of D/s relationships as well.


And that's when I stumbled upon the DD/lg trend. All the shirts on Wish suddenly seemed to make sense. Apparently this was a "thing" I wasn't aware of. More research led me into OMGWTFBBQ territory and I backpedaled. I'm not into diapers. I'm not into infantilism. I don't need someone to change my nappy or even WANT someone to. I'm not into the whole pedo vibe that goes around with some of the trend fakers and the weird terminology they use. However, the more I read up on the decent blogs and websites, the more I realized that this is what I'd been all along. I'd always been a little. And it opened up a whole lot of possibilities for me that I'd thought the door had been permanently closed on.

Then the search began for a Daddy Dom. I found one. However, he didn't end up being what I wanted. At all.

At first he was wonderful. He talked to me every day, had that little Daddy purr in his voice when he talked to me, doted on me with attention and affection and we even had a conversation about him having a live in sister that was his to play with but I was still his little, too. I was fine with that. I'm in a poly relationship. I understand that one partner cannot meet all your needs so finding that somewhere else is also a plus.

One of the sisters he chose for me was a bombshell, but she was looking for a sugar daddy. She was saying she was a little, but she had many of the red flags for fake littles. (https://www.littlespaceonline.com/app.php/page/littlefakes)

I can't really pinpoint when things started going downhill, but I got really frustrated really quickly when every time I would try and talk about myself, he would derail me or change the subject to being about him again. He didn't want to learn about me. He didn't want to hear about me. He never asked me about my day. Everything was always about him, what he wanted and what he wanted me to do. I was faced with punishments that would make me panic when I didn't do what he wanted. The second time he triggered me after I talked to him about the first time, he said he "forgot". Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. But it set me uneasy. He could download all the nudes and videos of me but he couldn't click a link to see something that pertained to the conversation we were having. I was hurt and couldn't figure out why.

I later read up on the topic and found that a lot of the things he was doing are classic signs of a "Bad Daddy" (https://www.littlespaceonline.com/app.php/page/fakes) and should have thrown up red flags all over the place. If it weren't for one of the sisters he tried to find for me, I would have never known he was a bad daddy. She saved me, possibly saved my life. I won't go into details because I don't know how things would have played out, but the things my "daddy" started doing after I told him I was done are things my first Dom did to me that led to me having a borderline mental break and going through one of the worst time periods of my life.

All this has a happy ending, however. Someone I've been with for a very long time, someone I know and trust and have always loved and trusted is now my Daddy. He has no idea what he's doing, but he's doing his research and learning about the lifestyle just for me. He's always catered to my little self and when we finally talked about me and being a little, he said I've been like that since he's known me. And he's known me for almost 20 years at this point.

The DD/lg thing is pretty wide and varied. Each little has their own expectations, wants, needs and desires. Each Caregiver has their own sets of rules and expectations. And when you can work together on those things in a genuine D/s type of relationship, it's a beautiful, freeing thing.

If you want more links for actual honest to goodness decent pages that I've found so far, click the links below. I'm compiling lists and I'm more than willing to share. Granted I may never talk about this again, but the post will still be here and I will keep updating when I find decent links. Or I might make a permanent page. Who knows?






https://www.littlespaceonline.com - in my opinion, the best little space on the web with info and community and very few creepers. They even do online movie night for their members!